"When your throat starts to burn, and your heartbeat speeds up, when your stomach tightens, and your lungs close up, when your tears rush to your eyes faster than you ever dreamed possible, that's the worst pain you will ever feel. That's your heart breaking."
I read this the other day. It's been a long time since I've felt that punch in the stomach sort of feeling. In fact, there are times when I long for the heartache of a breakup. I must seriously have forgotten what that felt like.
Recently things have been great. Business is steady. Friendships are good. Our relationship seems normal. Our bills are paid. We're enjoying down time before the big crescendo of wedding season.
But I've gotten too comfortable. And comfort to an artist is boring. There's no hustle in comfortable. There's no angst in comfort. You just, well, you just are. You be. There's no pining or crying or discomfort or unfamiliar feelings. Comfort to me is all I've ever sought, and yet when too long a time has passed in this pattern of routine, nothing truly great is happening. No great tracks were ever recorded in a time of sunshine and rainbows. The truly gritty songs invoke real feelings. Feelings that awaken your soul and remind you that you're alive, and in case you've forgotten, your pounding heart shouts otherwise.
Make no mistake. I'm not drama-seeking. In fact every night before bed, I recite my childhood poem to lay me down to sleep and pray the Lord my soul to keep. I pray for happiness, harmony, and for good things to come for all of my loved ones (and I still name them individually...the list is so long I often fall asleep in the middle of it as Michael chuckles and watches on. I don't want to forget anyone in case my bad memory causes wrath on someone I love.) Don't laugh. I also pray for creative longevity. I pray that my job will be fulfilling and long lasting and fresh. Perhaps God mixed up the two and reminded me that harmony and creativity don't go hand in hand. At least not for me.
So I've decided I have two choices. Take what's been so far a really really shitty year and cry about it. Or I can count my artistic blessings and do something amazing. I opt for the latter. That's the thing about being in your 30's. You're equipped enough to handle anything because you've probably already been there in your very impressionable teens or 20's, totally unprepared sans shields of courage, her sister knowledge and cousin hope. We know better now not to enter a situation unarmed with this invisible tool belt.
I promise you this year, there will be some changes, both personally and professionally. My heart is racing and fingers pounding the keyboard...but it's not because I'm pissed off or hurt. That catapulted it. But now I'm on the cusp of something really, really great.
And if you've been along for the ride this far, you'll be joining me. And if you've been a user, taker, liar or faker, you can sit along the sidelines and watch. And I'll be handing you a participation ribbon at the end. After all, because of you, you made my heart break to the tipping point of greatness. You deserve an award.