Alas, maybe it is.
One time I immediately let someone into my life because she offered to have my baby if I couldn't. I mean, really. What more extreme act of kindness could you ask for? Of course we were BFF's. Instantly. And we all know how that went down. I'll spare you the familiar details, although she did mention something that got me thinking.....that I go through friends like smokers go through cigarettes.
So I stopped to reflect. And take stock of her comments and my past roster. Because really, what's evolution without taking accountability for your own actions?
I remember thinking in high school about a particular group of friends that I was part of...the "in crowd" so to speak. People tell me how cool we all were...and at the time I was just screaming to myself about the fact that we were all on the phone day in and day out talking about each other. It bothered me to the core of my soul. I remember going to a Mariah Carey concert with a group of girls that were outside my circle as they teased and told funny stories and hugged each other....and I remember thinking....this is how it's supposed to be.
Similar to other primary forms of socialization, you don't know any better until you are exposed to something different. Your family and inner circle is all that you have ever considered normal. Until you see otherwise. And then normal, it's not. You can never not see the truth again. Or at least I couldn't.
I have a problem. When I see the truth, it's glaringly obvious and blinds my eyes as bright as the sun. I can't see past it. I can't fake otherwise. I can't ignore it. Of course there are three biased versions of the truth.....my truth of a fall out....her truth of a fall out...and the real and true truth.
The thing is, I am the first person to stop and intently gaze into the mirror of truth. Let's keep shit real, I tell myself. Is how you're telling the story exactly how it went down? Or are you too sensitive, analytical and nit-picky? I ask myself these questions. I ask people who are around me for the truth. I don't tell the story in a fashion that will allow people to take my side. I want people in my life who are fair and honest. Because really, how many honest people are there out there anymore? In the world of Fakebook and social media...what is honesty anymore?
I stopped writing my personal blog Life Wrapped In Lace because I felt it interfered with my professional world. In the land of wedding photography, my persona is bubbly, likeable and upbeat. Don't get me wrong, I am all of these things. Most times, sometimes and sometimes never. Always always, always positive when I am working. Sometimes I think my job saves me from my own destructive thoughts. It keeps me so busy and so on my toes that I have no time or energy to wonder or worry what everyone else is doing, talking about or thinking. And for me, this is a good thing.
When you put your insecurities out there in print, it leaves you wide open for ammunition. But isn't that also true for relationships? Slowly and stealthily, we proceed with caution. We play coy. Mysterious. Pretend we are things we are not. Time and familiarity rear their heads. Cousins of these two are comfort and casual. We drop our guard. We tell all. We stop pretending and the truth comes out. It always does. And the person on the receiving end then decides if, even in our un-finest moments, they choose to keep us in their lives.
My problem is I fire so easily. I've actually been told that by someone who had a Ph.D. in relationship fallouts. Or something like that. With a fancier more unpronounceable name, I'm sure.
I have been known to have an addictive personality. When things are good it's like I can't get enough. I crave that high, the dopamine starts rushing and I want more. But just as extreme, when I'm hurt, I want that shit gone. I also am in an industry where attachment is inevitable. I spend numerous hours with couples during the most important time of their lives. We experience the highs and lows together. Form bonds that seem like forever. And then within a week, it's on to the next venue, blog post, photo. And it hurts me. Everything feels temporary in a time when I'm just craving stability.
It feels to me like everyone is in it for themselves. And this bothers me to the very core of my being. I give and give and give and for what purpose? I've often been asked...Wendy...will you never learn?
I guess not.
I feel like I'm an old soul. I thrive in smoky blues bars. In moody times. And long for a time when shit really mattered. I guess that's why I was listening to Jonny Lang instead of Backstreet Boys.
And for my people..I'm not even sure who that is anymore. I recall my wedding with pangs of disappointment in my heart. I look forward to a birthday unsure who the friend of the month will be. And I put it all out there for judgement, scorn and gossip...with hopes that maybe someone else feels these things and just craves the relief of being honest. Putting things out there. Stopping the pretending and the acts. Whatever that may be. The perfect marriage. The ideal children. The enviable friendships.
I would absolutely love to live in a world where we could all be honest with our insecurities and lay it all on the line. We all know that's not so. But I strive to be a little different. To prove that we won't die from being honest and real and vulnerable. In fact, we can empower other people to be truthful with their situations.
I have many people. I'm often told I have it all. People see my life differently than I see it. I'm mostly happy, healthy and have built a great life. I have a husband that adores me and a crazy family who I wouldn't trade for the world. There are friends in my life who are open and welcoming. But everybody already has a somebody. My truth is that I don't have a best friend. And sometimes I feel like in a world where everybody has a somebody, you're nobody without a somebody.
I would love to hear your feedback...harsh, truthful, positive, real. I'm always willing to accept blame, learn, grow and reflect. Are you?