Wednesday, November 27, 2013

Lose yourself

I miss writing my blogs from a single girl's perspective. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm not dying to be single again. But there is a certain je ne sais quoi about shooting straight from the heart, with nobody else's privacy to shield. Because let's face it, throughout the years I've certainly put it all out there. You know more about me than people who don't read my blogs but have been in my life for umpteen years. And you sure as shit have let me know how you feel about my daily, errr lately weekly musings. It's mostly been positive. Met by some silence. And then I wonder if I've said too much when I hear nothing in return. I wonder....are they judging me? Did I take this too far? I do after all run a business based on happily ever after and the persona of my own seemingly perfect life. And I am after all, a wife who can't exactly just carelessly act, speak or do.

I so often wish that I had an outlet to express myself when I was a lunatic living in the big city. I was a hot mess, hopping from bar to bar, address to unit number, friend to frienemy and well sometimes, bed to bed. {Shock value! I was once a young and wild woman trying to figure out her place in the world and using alcohol, random friends and hot men to get me through it.}

Fast forward to present day. I'm a self proclaimed introvert who also takes mild medication to calm my sometimes impulsive behaviour. I am so thankful to the friends and family who have stuck by my crazy fun highs and sometimes uncomfortable lows and just have accepted me for who I am. A sometimes lovable, sexy, witty intellect who also can hit rock bottom, shut out her loved ones at the slightest whiff of any potential mistake and turn this usual heart of mush into an impossible impermeable steel door? Does this make me bi-polar? Schizophrenic? Or just a woman with many facets, many needs, many faces, many layers?

Your single behaviour seems to be shelved as soon as two become one and I find myself in that strange abyss of "we". We love this. We do this. We think this. We are one. But what about the two people that came together to form this union, prior to becoming uno numero?

Why does wanting to go out for example, and get my dance on once a year, directly correlate to a diss at my husband? Can't I just take a night to myself, to feel like my old know that person that I once looked at in the mirror and recognized? I should be careful how I say this. Words can certainly be twisted to misinterpretation. And it's not to say that I have a bad life with someone I don't cherish and someone who doesn't let me be me. I'm speaking for women in general, with an occasional side of personal experience.

I've been that bitch of a judge who looks at other women and silently questions their choices. But really...who are we to judge? They are mothers, wives, daughters...sure. But after all their moral obligations are complete, when is the time for themselves? Or does wearing so many societal hats instantly equate to an expiry of cashing in any tokens for "self" time?

My whole life I've had people trying to push me to conform to mediocrity. Grow up and be a teacher, a mother, in a small town, with nothing else to yearn for. And I would secretly cry to be that person. To fit in. As a friend recently wrote, round girl, square world. Or peg? Or something like that. You cannot push yourself through that hole no matter how hard you try. And why would you want to? It's probably why I'm so addicted to the non-conventional love of tv show couples. I actually thrive on the tension of Will and Alicia in The Good Wife and argue with my husband about the complexity of Carrie and Brody on Homeland.  Some things can't be packaged, labelled and presented in a nice old fashioned manner. Some things are just, well, complicated. When I was single, I actually sometimes enjoyed being single. But I would somehow feel ashamed and pitied at the party. The same people who were absolutely vocally miserable in their marriage would try to push me into the same drone. I had to do things on my watch. When I was ready. And I am still constantly searching for how to be the best possible me and still function in this linear society.

For now, my advice is to suit up, and carry on. Or should I say Carrie on? Remember that episode in Sex and the City where Big and Carrie had separate living arrangements and the girls scoffed at it? Remember how that ended up for all of them? We may not have the luxury of having a separate postal code for when times get rough but you can still lose yourself, if for even a couple of hours. When you get lost, you'll be surprised at how much you can find. Oh and like, girl power, and all that stuff.



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